Love Project - Emma

Welcome to the Love Project. I give someone 3 prompts to choose from (all relating to love), they answer the prompt, and I photograph them (with b&w film) while the answer. Come back every week for a new story of love.

I know sometimes social media makes me look like I have it all together but I definitely don't. Especially lately. Over the past couple of months I have been losing my temper with my kids more often that I would like to admit. A couple weeks ago I got frustrated with my oldest and yelled at her. I immediately felt awful about it. I hate yelling at my kids. So I crumbled to the floor and began to cry. My sweet four-year-old daughter, the one I had just yelled at, immediately came over and held me while I cried.

I know sometimes social media makes me look like I have it all together but I definitely don't. Especially lately. Over the past couple of months I have been losing my temper with my kids more often that I would like to admit. A couple weeks ago I got frustrated with my oldest and yelled at her. I immediately felt awful about it. I hate yelling at my kids. So I crumbled to the floor and began to cry. My sweet four-year-old daughter, the one I had just yelled at, immediately came over and held me while I cried.

 I told her how sorry I was for yelling and she responded with, "It's okay Mommy. We still love each other even if we yell sometimes." In that moment I felt so so loved. I didn't feel at all like I deserved her love but my sweet child knew that I needed it and she was able to see past my imperfections and express her pure and totally unconditional love when I needed it most. Thinking about this story a few weeks later and with a postpartum depression diagnosis in hand gives me a totally different perspective. In that moment I was so angry with myself for being angry with my children, for losing my temper and losing control, for just not being able to handle myself better. That was the postpartum depression speaking. The postpartum depression was causing me to lose control AND it was causing me to be mad at myself and to feel undeserving of the love that my daughter saw that I needed and that I deserved. Knowing now that I've been in this kind of cloud from depression just makes me even more grateful for the moments when my children and husband have shown me love even when my brain was telling me that I didn't deserve it. They have helped me get through all of the hard moments over the past few months and I feel super blessed to have them all on my side, showing so much love to me every single day. 

 I told her how sorry I was for yelling and she responded with, "It's okay Mommy. We still love each other even if we yell sometimes." In that moment I felt so so loved. I didn't feel at all like I deserved her love but my sweet child knew that I needed it and she was able to see past my imperfections and express her pure and totally unconditional love when I needed it most.

Thinking about this story a few weeks later and with a postpartum depression diagnosis in hand gives me a totally different perspective. In that moment I was so angry with myself for being angry with my children, for losing my temper and losing control, for just not being able to handle myself better. That was the postpartum depression speaking. The postpartum depression was causing me to lose control AND it was causing me to be mad at myself and to feel undeserving of the love that my daughter saw that I needed and that I deserved. Knowing now that I've been in this kind of cloud from depression just makes me even more grateful for the moments when my children and husband have shown me love even when my brain was telling me that I didn't deserve it. They have helped me get through all of the hard moments over the past few months and I feel super blessed to have them all on my side, showing so much love to me every single day. 

Pentax 645n - Ilford HP5+1 - Find Lab

If you would like to participate in this project, and I really hope you do, then email me at photographyhill@gmail.com to set something up.